{"id":1731,"date":"2017-10-09T07:00:47","date_gmt":"2017-10-09T13:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/?p=1731"},"modified":"2017-10-08T20:37:46","modified_gmt":"2017-10-09T02:37:46","slug":"the-last-dragon-a-bad-movie-ive-watched-many-many-many-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/the-last-dragon-a-bad-movie-ive-watched-many-many-many-times\/","title":{"rendered":"THE LAST DRAGON: A Bad Movie I’ve Watched Many, Many, MANY Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

I should say, for the point of accuracy, that the actual title of this movie is Berry Gordy\u2019s The Last Dragon<\/em><\/strong>. Berry Gordy, of course, was the legendary record producer, songwriter and founder of Motown records. He is a giant<\/em> of the music industry.<\/span><\/p>\n

He was not a giant in the film industry. Mind you, his earlier forays into filmmaking are not lacking in prestige. Lady Sings the Blues<\/em><\/strong> and The Wiz<\/em><\/strong> are solid works. The Last Dragon<\/em><\/strong> was, to date, his last time in the movie producer\u2019s chair, and it\u2019s somewhat infamous in its absurdity.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"51fIOR1pd9L\"<\/a>The story is\u2026 well\u2026 it\u2019s essentially \u201cKung Fu Fighting\u201d, dramatized.<\/span><\/p>\n

We start with Leroy, a young African-American boy in Harlem who has somehow trained in martial arts from the kind of wizened old master who only exists in kung-fu or Tarantino movies. This is not karate classes at the YMCA. \u00a0This is an old dude is shooting arrows at Leroy. \u00a0That’s the kind of martial arts we’re talking about.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, old dude shoots arrows at Leroy, \u00a0which he blocks adeptly, until he catches one. The right<\/em> one. How did he know it was the one? He just knew<\/em>, in that kung-fu movie way that all martial arts are magic<\/em>. So the master is like, \u201cYup, you\u2019re done. Can\u2019t teach you any more.\u201d Which, fair point. Once you\u2019re catching arrows mid-flight, you\u2019ve really moved past \u201cstudent\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Despite this, Leroy is convinced he has something to learn, so his teacher begs him off to finding a secret master somewhere in Chinatown who will teach him \u201cthe Glow\u201d. And now to the plots!<\/span><\/p>\n

There are essentially two plots in this movie, and by all rights they should have NOTHING to do with one another. The first involves Leroy seeking this mastter, while his neighborhood and friends are terrorized by a local kung-fu street gang led by \u201cSho\u2019Nuff\u201d, who is possibly THE GREATEST VILLAIN EVER COMMITTED TO THE MEDIUM OF FILM. He literally walks into a pizza parlor, has his flunkies shout his name, and then breaks shit because NO ONE WILL STOP HIM. Including Leroy for some mumble-mumble-be-peaceful reason. Which makes NO SENSE if you consider that Leroy has no qualms beating people up in the other plot. But Sho\u2019Nuff\u2019s entire goal<\/em> is \u201cfight Leroy\u201d. That\u2019s all he wants<\/em>. But Leroy won’t fight him, because reasons.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Why<\/a>
Why do things like this not still happen? We need more of this.<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Other plot involves a pseudo-Soul Train show hosted by Vanity and a two-bit record producer who is trying to get his talentless girlfriend\u2019s video on the show. Vanity refuses because Integrity, and the producer counters her Integrity with Armed Mooks. Because, why react when you can overreact? However, Leroy becomes aware of this and rescues her from the armed mooks by playing Superhero Ninja.<\/span><\/p>\n

Leroy and Vanity start something resembling a tepid romance, in which she plays him Bruce Lee videos in her studio, and he worries because girls are strange and mysterious creatures. Seriously, his main concern is the fact that, despite being a superhero ninja, he doesn\u2019t have any \u201cmoves\u201d for the ladies.<\/span><\/p>\n

Leroy also seeks out the secret master, but: spoiler: it\u2019s a wild goose chase. He\u2019s literally led to a fortune cookie factory, and some guys try and keep him out, but it\u2019s all just a waste of time. His teacher pretty much tells him: there\u2019s no master, because you don\u2019t need one. Because, seriously: YOU CAN CATCH ARROWS MID-AIR.<\/span><\/p>\n

Things finally come to a head when the producer and Sho\u2019Nuff decide to team up for evil. How and why this happens is something of a mystery, but it is a good match: the producer wants someone to beat up Leroy, and Sho\u2019Nuff wants to beat up Leroy. How can they lose?<\/span><\/p>\n

\"vanity\"<\/a>Well, they lose because they\u2019re crazy, and because Leroy\u2019s kung-fu class all shows up to help. But what matters is the Big Fight between Leroy and Sho\u2019Nuff, where first Sho\u2019Nuff taunts Leroy with videos. Then he smacks Leroy around, showing his superior skills and THE GLOW. \u00a0For reasons never adequately explored, Sho’Nuff actually has THE GLOW. \u00a0I kind of want the movie that tells us Sho’Nuff’s origin story. \u00a0Come on, Hollywood Industry: you’re already giving us reboots and prequels of everything else from the 80s.<\/span><\/p>\n

After playing with his food a bit, Sho\u2019Nuff stuffs Leroy\u2019s face in a convenient water tank and screams \u201cWHO IS THE MASTER?\u201d a few times, and being drowned gives Leroy a chance to reflect on the lessons his old teacher was trying to impart. And with additional help from the soundtrack– because this is a movie from a record producer, so it’s all about the soundtrack– Leroy figures out the answer to Sho\u2019Nuff\u2019s question.<\/span><\/p>\n

WHO IS THE MASTER?
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI am.\u201d<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Yeah, who didn\u2019t see that coming?<\/span><\/p>\n

So Leroy beats Sho\u2019Nuff, saves the girl, and everything is awesome.<\/span><\/p>\n

Except he still needs some \u201cmoves\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I should say, for the point of accuracy, that the actual title of this movie is Berry Gordy\u2019s The Last Dragon. Berry Gordy, of course, was the legendary record producer, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1731","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1731"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1731"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1731\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1733,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1731\/revisions\/1733"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1731"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1731"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mrmaresca.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1731"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}